i clocked off, got my shift drink, and promptly ran into ryan and spilled it all over myself. which, like, of course.
so far today one of the cooks has offered me blow, another slapped my ass, and ryan has clocked in an inexplicable five hours early. it’s 9 a.m.
i don’t think my therapist believes some of the things i tell her about my work
i had an adorable selfie in the works and then joel walked into the kitchen without a shirt on, mid photobooth countdown
patches is a dishwasher at my work & he is hands down one of my favorites. i once described him as a “reformed train kid” and he pointed to his face tattoos and said “these make it pretty impossible for me to ever truly reform. i prefer the term ‘retired’.”
i got drunk and passed out in the living room; joel carried me to my bed and took my shoes off for me and in the morning i woke up to this note from my roommate.
i gave joel a bad haircut and now he won’t stop making samson & delilah comparisons
also, to be fair about my roommate: tonight i was being sad about joel and he patted the space next to him on his bed and said, okay, come talk about this, and i laid down and he let me vent about joel, about work, about how unwilling and scared i am to feel comfortable living here because i can’t stop feeling like a terrible thing is about to happen and i should be ready to leave at any moment. he told me joel is, well joel, and there’s nothing i can do about that, and that my job is shit and i deserve better, and that i am safe here and nothing bad will happen to me in this house if he can help it. then he made me dinner. he is a different brand of person than i am used to dealing with, i think, like he sincerely means well but he is coming from a very, very different place than me.
i went into the kitchen to grab a knife to cut lemons n limes for the bar, and when Patches saw me he said “no, get the dull one.” i asked why and he said “because i want Ryan’s death to be as slow and painful as possible. that’s what it’s for, right?”
"that’s a shame."
i was sitting on the couch with my roommate and suddenly he said “this needs to stop,” and when i asked him what in the world he was talking about he gestured to the scars on my leg. i was taken aback and i said, stiffly, “those are all old.” and he said “… oh. good.”
it was so, so uncomfortable and inappropriate but mostly it was just… weird? like i wear shorts around the house literally every day, there is no possibility that he hasn’t seen my thighs before now, and also they are all semi-faded scars and obviously not new at all. i wish i had said something more at the time but i was too surprised and slightly embarrassed, i can’t remember the last time that someone called attention to them and even i forget that they’re there most of the time.
trader joe’s is now carrying a handle of vodka for $6, my life is either completely over or it has only just begun
i had my first therapy appointment today. it was okay. i wrangled an appointment for every week instead of every other week, which she seemed mildly reluctant about - i imagine they’re understaffed - but let me have. they won’t let me see the psychiatrist until i’ve seen my therapist for a few weeks already which was a little frustrating, since i’ve felt so bad lately, but its mostly my fault for putting it off for this long and anyway it helps to know it’s coming eventually.
she didn’t write anything down which i thought was interesting and slightly concerning
i was talking about ryan - because of course i was - and i was trying to explain how i feel like i keep going back to him because i don’t understand why, i need a reason, i can’t stand that it might be entirely senseless and random. and she said, like, “well, he has a whole life that you don’t know about that informs his actions, and he’s, how old is he?”
"twenty six. twenty seven in october."
"so he’s had twenty six years of experiences that you don’t know about - and it sounds like you don’t know him very well - and those have made him who he is and in that context his actions probably do make a lot of sense."
i am having trouble summarizing this exchange because i didn’t quite understand the point she was trying to make and the point i thought she might be trying for gave me pause. like if someone spent five or ten minutes describing his behavior to me i would, i don’t know, my response would not be… that. i told her about how he gets furiously angry with me sometimes for “looking at him wrong” and she just nodded. i couldn’t tell if she was trying to be cautious because it was our first appointment together or if she thinks that is normal behavior. it’s not, though? is it? i was hoping, i think, for her ~*~professional opinion~*~ to validate me, and it didn’t, and now i am simultaneously annoyed with her and doubting myself all over again.
joel admitted that he had feelings for me but doesn’t feel capable of starting anything right now, and he might be going back to alaska, and that’s not fair to me or him, and and and. he stopped sleeping in my bed but we still spend almost every day together; i want him near me all the time but i also want him gone because i can’t stand myself pining over him.