i said yes when asked to switch shifts for today because the same part of me that picks at scabs wanted to work with ryan again, and i did, it was whatever, afterwards i sat next to him while we had our shift drinks and he ranted about the new kitchen manager - “i’m an alcoholic but at the very least i can admit it, august,” - and then told me to have a good night and left and i don’t know why I’m writing a post about this because it is sad and stupid, i am sad and stupid

formerly unpublished selfies

joel has been staying at my apartment since he got out of the hospital. i don’t know him but now he’s here and we eat dinner together and watch movies in bed and then get a good night’s sleep and run errands and ride around in his big dumb truck listening to music while he chain smokes. he’s not drinking anymore and since we spend most of our time together i find myself not drinking as much as i usually do, which is unfamiliar but good, it’s such a terrible relief to not be always on the way to buy beer or on the way to a bar or on the way to a party, on the way to get fucked up, on the way but never really being anywhere except drunk.

i’ve been talking to him about, you know, my old house and what happened there, and about the pregnancy, and like - i don’t talk about that. i talked about it here some, but mostly in either updates or jokes. i don’t think about it. isn’t that strange? this year i got pregnant, broke up with my girlfriend of two years, was assaulted by my housemate, my drinking started to get real bad and then, of course: ryan. and i don’t think about it! (except for ryan.) i go to work and i come home and i drink. it’s sad and weird and i can feel how bad it is, all the time, i am tired and can’t stand to be touched and know it always beneath my skin, but i don’t think about it, not actually. but i have been lately, because i talked about it with joel and he listened, and suddenly now i’ve been really, really thinking about it, and feeling inarticulately upset and present and i don’t know what to do about it.

i actually made an appointment for counseling, it’s tomorrow afternoon; i decided against going but joel said i should and that he would drive me.

"i got a regular job in the service industry and now i know i’m not trans" this is my story as well, no shame


sunbearsbask asked: lol, i forgot to tell you, i ran into your friend with your name tattooed on his hand!! my bff dylan works at queen anne pagliacci with rosie and we ran into them there at like 11 o clock at night. it was sooo weird, so, idk small world??

oh my god. this is beautiful and terrible and perfect

maybe i was wrong about being trans but maybe i wasn’t and both of those are okay

it’s very strange to think about when i was actively trying (and failing) to transition. like, i am so physically and socially removed from that; i have been off hormones for months and months and there is almost no one in my life now that knows me as a boy. i don’t know. it’s easier. it’s harder. i want to not be embarrassed or hesitant about that part of my life, it happened and it was real, it’s still inside of me and if i wasn’t such a coward i would have kept going and i maybe i would be where i wanted to be. maybe i wouldn’t. i am thinking now i can be happy as a woman, for now. maybe.

Salome dances her dance of the seven veils,
The men all eye her like wolves on the hunt, this beautiful girl
finally undressing for them. Finally they can see her
exactly as they want to.
The first veil drops.

In 2007, Kim Kardashian’s ex-boyfriend
released their sex tape against her will.
Kim Kardashian, rather than hide in shame
Used the publicity to promote her own career.

Salome moves like a dream half-remembered.
Salome dances like a siren song. All the men ache
to see the hot sugar of her hip bones.
The second veil drops.

In 2014, Kim Kardashian walks down the aisle
As the whole world watches. If only all of us
were so successful in our revenge.
If only all of us stood in our Louboutin heels
on the backs of the men who betray us,
surveying the world we created for ourselves.

The third veil drops.

Kim Kardashian knows exactly what you think of her.
She presses the cloth tighter against her skin
Her smile is a promise she never intends to keep

We can almost see all of her.
Salome shows us her body
but never her eyes.
The fourth veil is dropping.

The four things most recently tweeted at Kim Kardashian were
@KimKardashian Suck My Dick
@Kim Kardashian Can I Meet Kanye?
@KimKardashian Please Fuck Me
@KimKardashian I Love You. I Love You.

Women are told to keep their legs shut.
Women are told to keep their mouths shut.
Some women are kept silent for so long,
They become experts in the silent theft of power.
The fifth veil has dropped.

Kim Kardashian made $12 million dollars this year
Yesterday, uncountable men in their miserable jobs,
told their miserable friends that Kim was a “dumb whore”
Kim Kardashian will never learn their names.

The sixth veil has dropped.
The seventh veil has dropped.

And Salome sat beside King Herod. And he swore unto her
“Whatsoever thou shalt ask of me, I will give to thee
unto the half of my kingdom”
And she smiled, and said
“Bring me the head of John The Baptist.
Punish the man who hurt me”

my favorite of coleman’s stick n pokes

my favorite of coleman’s stick n pokes

Anonymous asked: too shy to post w/ my blog name, but I've been following you for a while and I genuinely look forward to your posts more than anyone else on my dash. I love reading your writing, and I really admire you as a person. Also that eyeliner! I am constantly wowed. Thank you!

this was such a sweet and unexpected message

one of the former cooks explains working with Ryan

my roommate is thinks mixers are “for pussies” but today he started to make a blackberry infusion for me

look, i don’t think you understand, i don’t actually understand, but i need to reiterate that tonight my coworker got my name tattooed on his hand as a joke 

actually, though

actually, though

im literally watching a boy get my name tattooed on his hand right now